- [O.R. Chatter] - [B. J.] Boy, this leg's a mess.
[Nurse] They said he was lying in the mud for at least a day.
[Potter] Sponge for him and an aspirin for me.
"Rosie the Riveter" is logging some overtime in my head.
- [Charles] How many more wounded left? - [Klinger] That's it.
- Unless you wanna count me. - [Hawkeye] It was inevitable, Klinger.
Carrying the weight of that nose all these years finally snapped your neck.
[Klinger] Nah, my muscles tightened up. I musta slept in a draft.
Oh! Colonel, that group from the U.N. Is here.
[Potter] Great gopher holes! It slipped my mind. Make that two aspirin.
- Uh, can I have your attention, please? - [Clanging]
[Margaret] Let's have a little quiet here.
[Potter] Oh! That'll do, Major.
[Margaret] Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
The U.N. Has sent some folks from various countries to tour our medical facilities.
The tourists haven't stopped since this war got four stars in the Michelin Guide.
Please let me get through this, Pierce. I wanna go lie down.
They're here to take a 24-hour look-see at how a MASH unit operates.
[B. J.] I've gotta watch this dirty wound for gangrene.
Hunnicutt, you've got some serious doctoring to do.
The rest of us, since we don't have any decent excuses...
we'll all guide them.
And, of course, this is post-op.
From here they go on to the evac hospital in Seoul.
When was the last time that dressing was changed?
Uh, Captain Video to Major Houlihan. Over. When was the last time...
- Uh, this morning. - Aha. Thank you.
Captain Pierce is our chief surgeon.
Major Houlihan our head nurse.
This is Captain Rammurti Lal of the Indian Army.
- Dr. Randolph Kent from England. - [Exchange Greetings]
- Mr. Per Johannsen, the U.N. Delegate from Sweden. - Oh, Sweden!
Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden.
I hear the scenery is so tall.
Uh, d... Uh... Thank you.
Captain Lal and Mr. Johannsen will share the V.I.P. Quarters.
- Dr. Kent will bed down with you in the medics' bunkhouse. - So.
Well, it's not exactly Buckingham Palace...
but every morning we do have the changing of the mice.
Ah, I see you make use of humor as a weapon against war.
Why don't you all get settled in your quarters?
What we charitably refer to as lunch will be coming up in half an hour.
- And then coming up again in two hours. - That was a good one too.
If you gentlemen will follow me.
Give him penicillin, two million units every six hours...
and a gram of streptomycin q12h.
Keep a close eye on his leg.
## [Chamber]
Dr. Kent, meet Dr. Winchester.
- Oh. My pleasure. - Doctor.
Ah, Schubert's "Trout". One of my favorite pieces.
You are... You are a devotee of chamber music?
I spent summers with my parents in San Remo on the Italian Riviera.
They have a marvelous music festival.
So I've heard. Please, how fortunate you were.
Uh, our summer place is in the Berkshires...
just a baton's throw away from Tanglewood.
Back at Crabapple Cove, we had a great summer home.
It was the back porch of our winter home.
We winter in, uh, Boston. Beacon Hill, of course.
We live in Sussex.
Um, on some 35 acres or so of rolling green hills. Uh, Lion's Heart.
I prefer to winter here. Rat's Lair.
Well, ta-ta. I'm off to lunch.
On the way out, I hope I don't fall in the moat.
[Chuckles, Mumbles]
Howdy, partner.
- How's it lookin', Doc? - How's it feel?
There's too much pain to tell.
Who's the girl?
The one not wearing the bib is my wife.
The other one's my daughter, Rachel.
Mmm. My little girl's name is Erin.
I guess I'll be gettin' back to see my girls soon, huh?
- I hope so. - Is my leg comin' with me?
What gives you the idea that it won't?
It really hurts.
And I seem to be getting a lot of attention.
There was quite a bit of dirt in the wound.
But I got it all cleaned out. You're gonna be just fine.
[Door Closes]
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Oh, no, no. It is I who should be excused, Colonel...
for imposing on your, uh, most generous hospitality.
Uh, but I wanted to be alone for my meditation.
Yoga is a wonderful way of relieving inner tension.
Well, to each his own. My way of relieving inner tension is to get an aspirin.
You will find the aspirin on the, uh, bottom shelf.
Why, so it is.
- What are you, a swami too? - No, no. Far from it.
The practice of yoga has taught me to read upside down.
Ah. Thanks very much.
On Sundays, this mess tent doubles as our chapel.
It's particularly well-suited for this as it sleeps 85. [Chuckles]
Now if you'll just follow me over to the serving area...
we can pick up our trays and chisels.
Oh, Mr. Johannsen? Uh, let me fix a tray for you.
I don't understand, Margaret. You never fix a tray for me. What about you, Charles?
- She ever fix a tray for you? - No.
Come on. Smart people ignore him.
- Uh, may I? - Oh, please.
Thank you.
I'd, um... I'd skip today's dessert.
- In my tent, I have a brandied fruitcake from home. - Please, I couldn't.
- A man's personal fruitcake is sacred. - No, I'd be honored.
- Well, if you insist. - You won't regret it.
The cake is laced with a particularly fine brandy...
that I first encountered at a marvelous little restaurant in France.
Perhaps you've heard of it. Uh, uh, Le Pied du Cheval in Bordeaux?
Le Pied du Cheval is in Lyons.
Yeah... Oh, of course.
I guess I had so much brandy that Lyons began to look like Bordeaux.
At any rate, it was the most exquisite meal of my life.
Le Pied du Cheval is a third-rate tourist trap...
where French lorry drivers take their wives on their birthdays.
Well, y... you know, I had just arrived in... in France.
Perhaps my palate was disoriented.
Well, the time zones. [Mouthing Words]
Well, if the complications are just minor, then how come a second trip to the O.R.?
Union rules. Don't worry. We just have to clean out the wound again.
Okay. Whatever you say, Doc.
- Do you have a moment, Dr. Pierce? - Sure.
Uh, Captain, when we were in the mess tent...
I sensed that, uh, you are not happy...
with the attention Major Houlihan gives me.
Margaret and I are just friends. Have yourself a hell of an evening.
- I see. - Uh, you don't look very happy...
for a guy who's about to feel the earth move without the aid of artillery.
Uh... Can I talk to you in private?
Captain, under normal circumstances, I would be overjoyed...
at the prospect of spending an evening with Major Houlihan.
But?
Her intentions only serve to present me...
with an embarrassing and frustrating situation.
What's the matter? You married?
[Exhales] I'm afraid not.
What's the problem?
When I first came to Korea a year and a half ago...
uh, I was involved in an unfortunate accident.
Ajeep in which I was riding drove over a land mine.
Uh, I was wounded. Nerve damage has left me impotent.
[Potter Chanting] Mani Padme Hum.
Om Mani Padme Hum.
- Om... - Are you all right, sir?
Oh, I'm fine, Klinger. Just fine.
- What're you doing? - This is yoga, son.
Captain Lal says meditation helps rid the body of tension.
Is that why you're singing "Oh! My Papa"?
I'm not. It's a mantra.
It's supposed to put me in touch...
with universal consciousness and my real self.
But if you got a headache, shouldn't you stay off your head for a few days?
- Actually, I'm starting to feel better. - No kidding?
Here we are, gentlemen, our most important stop.
This operating room is the heart of the 4077 th.
It ain't fancy, but 97%% of the wounded who come in here alive...
go out the same way.
Sorry, folks, we have to go to work in here.
- What's up? - Lumley.
His temperature's up. His blood pressure's down. His leg is draining like mad.
- It's definitely gas gangrene. - Gonna have to take his leg?
Poor kid. Damn!
- ##[Big Band] - Oh. May I join you?
Of course, Major. You can take over for us.
We're due in post-op anyway.
Well, good night, Per. It's been a pleasure talking to you.
Yeah. We really hate to leave.
I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to leave here either.
Forgive me, Major. Uh, I'm exhausted.
- I haven't slept since I left Tokyo. - Oh.
So, I think I'd better be getting back to my tent.
Oh, I was so looking forward to talking to you.
Couldn't you stay for just one drink?
Uh, very well. One drink.
Uh... Uh, bartender?
So, you're from Sweden.
Oh, I've always loved Hans Christian Andersen. Thanks.
I can't tell you how many times I've read The Little Mermaid and Hans Brinker.
Actually, Hans Christian Andersen, uh, was from Denmark.
That's right. Oh...
I always get those two confused.
Oh, thank God I ran into you. I need some help.
Stalin just died, and they don't know who's gonna replace him.
- Pierce, please. - So I'm applying for the position.
To me it's the best way to make peace. The way I figure it...
if I'm premier of Russia, NATO will return my phone calls.
- Pierce, do you mind? - So I just wanna try out my campaign slogans on you.
I mean, just... What do you think of this?
Uh, "If you can't stand the cold, get outta Siberia."
- [Laughs] - Now what do you think of this one?
Uh, "What this country needs is a good five-cent czar."
- [Laughs] - Yeah...
Uh. Well, uh...
Major Houlihan will obviously be in very amusing company...
so I do not feel guilty about leaving.
No, uh... We were... We were just gonna...
You crumb! Oh, why don't you go to Siberia...
and freeze your mouth off!
[Knocking]
Ah, Major Houlihan.
Uh, Per, I just stopped by to apologize for Captain Pierce's behavior.
Oh, please. Do not worry.
I actually find him somewhat amusing.
Oh.
I sure would like one of those.
- Do you mind if I come in? - Uh, of course.
Is there any visitor more welcome on a cold evening...
than a snifter of fine cognac?
- I wholeheartedly agree with you. - Oh.
- However, this bottle will have to do. - Ah.
Have to do? Have to do what?
Surely you taste the Folle Blanche in this wonderful nectar?
The implication there is... [Sniffs] Folle Blanche in this...
conveys to me that your imagination far outstrips your palate.
[Chuckles] Begging your pardon...
but this has the unmistakable nose of Folle Blanche.
It comes from the fabled vineyards of the Chateau de Fontpinot.
As a matter of fact, it was after enjoying my first bottle of a 1927 Fontpinot...
that I no longer considered myself a virgin oenophile.
Good God.
'27 Fontpinot?
- Second-rate mouthwash. - But...
Fontpinot's greatest year... '28.
Yes. Well, uh... I had heard that that was quite extraordinary.
Thank you for refreshing my memory.
I don't believe it.
I'm in Korea, but I'm fighting the "bore war."
- [B.J.] How am I gonna tell him? - You always seem to find a way.
Not for this.
I kept telling him everything was gonna be okay.
- I never prepared him. - You can't always know.
I knew there was a damn good chance he was gonna lose that leg.
I just couldn't bring myself to face it.
We've all gotten to be experts at not facing things.
See that?
Nice family, huh? A wife, a little girl.
Remind you of anybody you know?
He showed me that yesterday...
and, uh, from that point on...
I put myself in the picture.
I couldn't bring myself to believe that he might lose the leg.
[Potter, Klinger Chanting] Om Mani Padme Hum.
- Colonel... - Om Mani...
Padme Hum.
- Colonel? - Yes, Pierce.
Well, I had come in here in the hope of finding someone...
with whom I could have a nice, intelligent conversation...
but I see you're in no position to do that.
Pierce, you seem a trifle edgy.
I've gone over the "edgy."
There's an international conspiracy to drive me crazy.
Back in the Swamp, the upper crusts are toasting each other.
Meanwhile, the head nurse is busy trying to yump on someone's yiminy.
And I come in here only to find my complaints are falling on deaf feet.
Forgive me, Captain, but only through accepting others for what they are...
will you find true inner tranquillity.
You have to respect a man who looks you square in the toes when he talks to you.
The great guru Ramdas could not have said it better, Max.
Uh, your neck? Has it improved?
A lot. Never had an energy flow like this.
Why fight it? I might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous.
And then for three years, I've been headquartered...
at the U.N. Building in New York.
I have an office with a window.
Of course, so does everyone else.
[Chuckles]
- Can I have another drink? - Yeah.
I just love aquavit.
This is your national drink, right?
Actually, uh, this also is Danish.
Oh. [Chuckles]
- Smorgasbord? - Yeah. That is ours.
I finally got one!
Unfortunately, in your country it has come to mean...
"everything you can eat for a dollar and a quarter."
[Chuckles]
What are you reading?
Closing the Ring by Winston Churchill.
Have you, uh, read any of his books?
Well, no, actually, I haven't.
But I think he's a wonderful man.
And l... I love his paintings.
I guess your work takes you all over the world, huh?
Yes. Yes, it does.
I sure am glad it brought you here.
So am I.
- What's the matter? - I, uh... I'm sorry.
I'm really very tired. I would like to go to sleep.
I don't understand.
Please. Please go.
I thought we were getting along so well.
We are, believe me. I...
I think you're a warm, wonderful, very attractive woman.
I enjoy your company very much.
Then why are you so anxious to have me leave?
You know, I would really...
very much like to stay.
Margaret...
nothing would make me happier than to spend the night with you, but I can't.
Not with you or any other woman.
- What? - I've, uh...
- I've had an injury. I was wounded. - Oh, Per...
Believe me, often I have longed for the affection of a woman...
the physical contact.
This is the first time since I was hurt...
that I've let myself get so close to a woman.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, no. Pl... Please don't apologize.
I... I'm the one who should be sorry...
for putting you in such an awkward situation.
Oh, no. You had no way of knowing.
So...
why don't we just say good night?
Oh.
I'd really rather not.
If you don't mind, I'd... I'd like to stay awhile...
and talk.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be very nice.
Let me get you another drink, and... Oh!
What? What's the matter now?
I just realized that shortly...
uh, Captain Lal will be returning to go to sleep, and...
No problem.
We can continue this conversation in my tent. I don't have any roommates.
So there I was in Elewijt...
standing in the very house where Rubens painted his most wonderful masterpiece...
The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus.
Surely you jest.
Hardly one of Rubens's best works.
Oh, granted, it appeals to bourgeois taste, but...
- Besides... - Bourgeois?
The master painted that when he lived in Antwerp.
Well, it was merely an error in geography.
My brain is not a map.
Barely a brain. [Laughs]
Oh, yeah? Well, says you...
you s... you boorish Sussex fop!
Ignorant Back Bay philistine!
- Snob! - Clod!
- Dandy! - Cretin!
[Inhales]
- I don't care who your parents are! - [Bottle Clanks]
You can take your father's villa and stuff it!
[Laughs]
- What's so funny? - It isn't my father's villa.
It's my father's employer's villa.
- What? - Father is the butler.
When I was old enough, I became the chauffeur.
It helped put me through medical school.
- But you told me that... - I told you the truth.
I summered in San Remo and wintered in Sussex.
You assumed the rest.
- Well, you encouraged the assumption. - And why not?
It was such fun to submit you to derision...
and watch you crawl back for more.
- I did not. - You most certainly did.
You assumed that only people of wealth...
and breeding have any taste or class.
Well, mate, you have been outclassed...
by the son of a bloody butler.
[Laughs]
Aw, shut up!
Lumley, can you hear me?
How ya doin', Captain?
- I'm doin' okay. - How am I doing?
You're gonna make it now.
But I'm, uh...
I'm afraid, uh, all the news is not good.
Is it my leg?
There was nothing else I could do.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't prepare you for this, but, uh...
I had a feeling all along just from the fuss you guys were making.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah.
- You could do me a favor. - You name it.
Don't tell my wife, okay?
See...
I love to go out dancing on Saturday nights.
And she likes to stay in.
And if she ever found out that I had a wooden leg...
she would hide it just to keep me at home.
Captain Lal...
I'd have been out here earlier to say good-bye...
but I went extra innings with the sandman.
I wanna thank ya from the bottom of my head.
And my neck feels great too.
Oh, anytime I can be of service to you...
please feel free to call me.
Well, good-bye, all.
I shall treasure this experience for hours.
Why don't you, uh, let him drive? He's a professional.
[Laughing, Chattering]
- Good-bye, dear Margaret. - Good-bye, Per.
Keep in touch.
[Chattering Continues]
[Potter] We're gonna keep up with our yoga.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
- So, evidently you had a nice evening. - Oh, I certainly did.
He's a wonderful man.
And, you!
- Thanks for trying to be a jerk. - Aw...